Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
