nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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