im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
