The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
