I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
