Small penises have feelings too.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
