I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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