I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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