oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
