Sober January is a disaster.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
