i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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