it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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