So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
