apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
