I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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