Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
