You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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