Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
