I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
