Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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