I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
