a queef is a wish your heart makes.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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