so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
