I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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