But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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