i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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