no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
