i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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