I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
