So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
