Ambien. No doubt about it.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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