I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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