I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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