I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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