That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
