it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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