found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
