Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
