I love black thongs
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
