i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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