I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize