dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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