You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize