Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
