Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
