Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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