After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
