Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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