You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
