Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
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