I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
