bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize