you should give me head with plastic fangs in
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
