I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
