Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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