I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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