what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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