9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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