The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i need an iv and a liver transplant
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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